


Run Program: DUM-E

by Amuly



Series: Run Program: {x} [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Baseball, Coitus Interruptus, Developing Relationship, F/M, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nerdiness, Robots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-30
Updated: 2012-04-30
Packaged: 2017-11-04 14:41:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/394999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amuly/pseuds/Amuly
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Taking care of Tony is a lot of work. Especially when you’ve only got one arm. And your code dates back to the 1980s.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [Dum-E 编程指南](https://archiveofourown.org/works/2801468) by [6per](https://archiveofourown.org/users/6per/pseuds/6per)



> Thanks to [skellerbvvt](http://archiveofourown.org/users/skellerbvvt/pseuds/skellerbvvt) for coming up with half this stuff, and [bottledminx](http://bottledminx.livejournal.com/%22) for a rough-and-tumble in-progress beta job. If there are mistakes, they're definitely all mine.

  
  
Timestamp: 03·05·12_01·15  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12 hours.  
Run Program: Feed(Tony).  
Trigger: No food.  
Run Program: Make(Toast).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Kitchen on fire.  
  
Timestamp: 03·05·12_01·20  
Trigger: Kitchen on fire.  
Run Program: FireExtinguisher  
Running.  
Fire extinguished.  
Program_FireExtinguisher successfully executed!  
  
Timestamp: 03·05·12_01·25  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12 hours.  
Run Program: Feed(Tony).  
Trigger: No food.  
Run SubRoutine: Make(Toast).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
SubRoutine_Make(Toast) successfully executed!  
  
Timestamp: 03·05·12_01·30  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12 hours.  
Run Program: Feed(Tony).  
Concat{Food^Toast}  
Run Program: Feed(Tony_Toast).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Tony threw toast on floor.  
  
Timestamp: 03·05·12_01·40  
“Stop trying to make me eat or I will throw you into a dumpster with Steve Job's old laptops you worthless Franken-mongrel.”  
Trigger: Threat(Tony_Dummy)  
Run Program: Shame.  
Trigger override: “Stop trying to make me eat or I will throw you into a dumpster with Steve Job's old laptops you worthless Franken-mongrel.”  
Run Program: NegFeed(Tony).  
Running.  
Running.  
Program_NegFeed(Tony) successfully executed!  
  
Timestamp: 03·05·12_01·45  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12.5 hours.  
Trigger override: “Stop trying to make me eat or I will throw you into a dumpster with Steve Job's old laptops you worthless Franken-mongrel.”  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12.5 hours.  
Trigger override: “Stop trying to make me eat or I will throw you into a dumpster with Steve Job's old laptops you worthless Franken-mongrel.”  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12.5 hours.  
  
Timestamp: 03·05·12_02·00  
Trigger: Impact detected  
Trigger: Tony in pain.  
Run program: Move.  
Run Program: FirstAid(Tony).  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12.5 hours.  
Trigger override: “Stop trying to make me eat or I will throw you into a dumpster with Steve Job's old laptops you worthless Franken-mongrel.”  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12.5 hours.  
Trigger override: “Stop trying to make me eat or I will throw you into a dumpster with Steve Job's old laptops you worthless Franken-mongrel.”  
  
“Shit, you're stuck aren't you? Halting problem my ass, should have included subroutines to avoid... Hey, hey Dummy, listen up: cancel anything causing you to loop, just run your normal programs. And get out of my way.  
  
Timestamp: 03·05·12_02·15  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 13 hours.  
Run Program: Feed(Tony_Toast).  
Running.  
Tony threw toast at Dummy.  
  
Timestamp: 03·05·12_02·20  
Trigger: Directional specific projectiles subroutine 4.  
Run program: Catch(Play).  
Running.  
Running.  
Result: Tony left proximity.  
Program_Catch(Play) canceled.  
  
Timestamp: 03·05·12_02·25  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 13 hours.  
Run Pr-  
  
Timestamp: 03·05·12_02·25  
Trigger: JARVISCommunication_<“Master Tony is ordering food, DUM-E. Cancel program: Feed Tony.”>  
Program canceled.  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 03·07·12_12·25  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12 hours.  
Run Program: Feed(Tony).  
Trigger: No food.  
Run Program: Make(Toast).  
Running.  
Running.  
ERROR.  
No toaster.  
Run Program: Feed(Tony).  
Run Subroutine: Toast_NegToaster  
Analyzing Kitchen.  
Concat(negToaster^WaffleIron)  
Run Program: Feed(Tony).  
Run Subroutine: Toast_WaffleIron  
Running.  
Running.  
Kitchen on fire.  
  
Timestamp: 03·09·12_14·34  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12 hours.  
Run Program: Feed(Tony).  
Trigger: No food.  
Run Program: Make(Toast).  
Running.  
Running.  
ERROR.  
No toast.  
Run Program: Feed Tony.  
Run SubRoutine: Toast_NegToast  
Concat{negToast^Pizza}  
Run Program: Feed Tony.  
Run SubRoutine: Call(Pizza).  
Dialing.  
Dialing.  
“This is the Pizza Palace, home of the best delivery pizza this side of the Rockies. What can I get you?”  
Trigger: Phone communication.  
Run Program: Communicate(Phone).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Uh... hello? Hello? What's all the... did you dial on accident?  Hello! Hey! Buddy! Can you hear me ! Huh? Oh, dunno, some jack-ass butt-dialed, I think. Well all I'm hearing are beeps. Sounds like he's pressing buttons. Okay.  Hey! Hey buddy, I'm hanging up! Yo!  Okay, whatever. You going to see the new Mets-”  
Dial tone.  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 03·15·12_18·00  
Trigger: Sink full of dishes.  
Running Program: Clean(Dishes).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
ERROR.  
Emergency house shut down.  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 03·19·12_13·50  
Trigger: Tony asleep on workbench.  
Run Program: Blanket(Tony).  
Running.  
Running.  
Program_Blanket(Tony) successfully executed!  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 03·25·12_09·00  
Trigger: User [Captain Steve Rogers] entered room.  
Run Program: GreetUser [Captain Steve Rogers].  
Received: Handshake.  
Program_GreetUser successfully executed!  
  
Timestamp: 03·25·12_09·15  
Trigger: Tony shouting.  
Run Program: Protect(Tony_Steve).  
Running.  
Running.  
User [Captain Steve Rogers] left the premises.  
Program_Protect(Tony_Steve) successfully executed!  
  
Timestamp: 03·26·12_09·00  
Trigger: User [Captain Steve Rogers] entered room.  
Run Program: GreetUser [Captain Steve Rogers].  
Run SubRoutine: ShooUser [Captain Steve Rogers].  
“Hey! Hey, Dum- Er... I wish you had another name. But, hey, Dummy? Could you please stop uh... nudging at my shin? I'm... Why are you...”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Oh, you're upset, aren't you? Because Iron Man and I were fighting. Listen, I'm sorry, little guy. I didn't mean for it to get that heated. I just...”  
Running.  
“Okay, okay, hey, I get the message. But could you do something for me? Could you give this to Tony? He's so bad about taking care of himself, and I don't need a member of my team fainting halfway through a mission. Here. Can you do that? Take this?”  
Trigger: Command_Deliver(Food_Tony).  
Run Program: Deliver(Food_Tony).  
Running.  
Running.  
“What's this? Where'd you get this? Oh, Captain Perfect sent you, didn't he? Great, now he's commandeering my robots, tomorrow he'll be talking to JARVIS, interrupting my work...”  
Holding.  
Holding.  
Program_Deliver(Food_Tony) successfully executed!  
Delete SubRoutine: ShooUser [Captain Steve Rogers].  
  
Timestamp: 03·27·12_09·00  
Trigger: User [Captain Steve Rogers] entered room.  
Run Program: GreetUser [Captain Steve Rogers].  
“Oh, hey there, Dummy. What, no trying to kick me out today?”  
Received: Handshake.  
Program_GreetUser successfully executed!  
“So where's your maker today? Do you think I could see him just for a bit, if I promise not to make him upset? Or, well: I promise not to  try and make him upset. Tony can be... well. Tony. Most of the time.”  
Trigger: Command_Guide(Steve_Tony).  
Run Program: Guide(Steve_Tony).  
Program_Guide(Steve_Tony) successfully executed!  
“Traitor! Traitor, what... I can't believe you brought him down here, you traitor. That's it, this is the final straw: I'm using your parts to turn into water filtration systems in Kenya. Yeah. See how many super-hero friends you make in the furthest reaches of nowhere, huh?”  
Trigger: Threat(Tony_Dummy)  
Run Program: Shame.  
Program_Shame successfully executed!  
“Tony! Don't... that's awful! Look, you've upset him!”  
“What? No, Steve: it's a robot. And not a particularly good one, at that.”  
Trigger: Insult(Tony_Dummy)  
Run Program: Sad.  
Program_Sad successfully executed!  
“He's not  really feeling that way. It's just affectations and circuitry and metal.”  
“You're circuitry and metal. Doesn't mean you don't feel things.”  
“Oh, don't get all  feelings on me, Cap. What do you want?”  
  
**  
  
Timestamp 04·02·12_08·50  
Trigger: Tony tired.  
Run Program: Make(Coffee).  
SubTrigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12 hours.  
Run Subroutine: Add(ProteinPowder).  
Running.  
Running.  
Program_Make(Coffee) successfully executed!  
Run Program: Deliver(Coffee_Tony)  
Running.  
Running.  
Program_Deliver(Coffee_Tony) successfully executed!  
“See, knew I made you for something. How about topping me off, go on.”  
Trigger: Command_Deliver(Coffee_Tony)  
Run Program: Make(Coffee).  
Running.  
Trigger: User [Captain Steve Rogers] has entered room.  
Run Program: GreetUser [Captain Steve Rogers].  
Running.  
Received: Handshake.  
Program_GreetUser successfully executed!  
Coffee maker on fire.  
Run Program: FireExtinguisher.  
Fire extinguished.  
Program_FireExtinguisher successfully executed!  
Coffee burned.  
Run Program: Sad.  
Program_Sad successfully executed!  
“Oh, Dummy! I'm sorry! Here, no, don't get sad! Oh, geeze. No, hang on, look, I can fix it! It's okay. Were you making coffee for Tony? Here. Let me just...”  
Trigger: Coffee.  
Run Program: Deliver(Coffee_Tony).  
“Oh, no, Dummy, it's okay. I've got it.”  
Running.  
“Okay, okay, here. Careful: it's hot. Don't need to spill it on your... parts.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Okay, do you have a new subroutine in there to bring Cap along with you every time you come down here?”  
Program_Deliver(Coffee_Tony) successfully executed!  
“Good morning to you too, Tony. It's a pleasure.”  
“Yeah, yeah. You're here for the thing?”  
“Yes, Tony. The 'thing'.”  
“Alright, get on over here. Come on, nice and close, not like I bite. Unless you're into that.”  
Run Program: Rename.  
User[Captain Steve Rogers]\\\\[Steve].  
Running.  
Program_Rename successfully executed!  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 04·15·12_13·15  
Trigger: Threat(UI_Tony)  
Run Program: Protect(Tony_UI)  
Trigger: Ceiling on floor.  
Run Program: Sweep.  
Trigger: Fire. Fire. Fire. Fire.  
Run Program: Fire extinguisher.  
Trigger: Threat(UI_Steve).  
Run Program: Protect(Steve_UI).  
Trigger: Security breach.  
Run Program: Contact(JARVIS).  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12 hours.  
Run Program: Feed Tony.  
Trigger: Tony injured.  
Run Program: First Aid(Tony).  
Trigger: Steve injured.  
Run Program: First Aid(Steve).  
Too many programs in queue.  
Run SubRoutine: Descending_Importance.  
Run Program: Protect(Tony_UI).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Run SubRoutine: Throw(Object)  
Run SubRoutine: Locate(Object).  
Running.  
Toast.  
SubRoutine_Locate(Object) successfully executed!  
Concat{Object^Toast}.  
Run SubRoutine: Throw(Toast).  
SubRoutine_Throw(Toast) successfully executed!  
Trigger: Threat(UI_Tony).  
Run Program: Protect(Tony_UI).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Run SubRoutine: Descending_Importance.  
Trigger: Tony injured.  
Run Program: FirstAid(Tony).  
“Oh, no, get away from me you overgrown toaster. No. No. Go fix Steve. Go. Shoo.”  
Trigger: Command_FirstAid(Steve).  
Run Program: FirstAid(Steve).  
“Hey Dummy. What do you have there? Bandaids? Thank you. Here, wait, let me put them on myself. Look, see: all better. Thank you. And thank you for trying to help out. I saw you throw Tony's toast at the A.I.M. soldiers. That was very brave. Here, I think you need a little Wall-E bandage, too. Right over this scratch... there you go. Good job, Dummy.”  
Trigger: Pat.  
Trigger: Praise.  
Run Program: …  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 04·29·12_12·45  
Trigger: Phone(Ring).  
Run Program: Answer(Phone).  
“Hey, it's Steve. Is Tony there?”  
Run Program: Communicate(Phone).  
“Oh, hey Dummy! Can you go give the phone to Tony for me?”  
Running.  
“No problem, little guy. I'll wait.”  
Program_Communicate(Phone) successfully executed!  
Trigger: Command_Deliver(Phone_Tony).  
Run Program: Deliver(Phone_Tony).  
Running.  
Running.  
“What the... who the hell is... What  is that? Is that  mine ? Do I still  own a landline?”  
Run Program: Deliver(Phone_Tony).  
“Okay, give it, come on, hand it over. Hello?”  
Program_Deliver(Phone_Tony) successfully executed!  
“Steve I have a  cellphone . I didn't even know I still  had a land-line until Dummy comes up and hands me the damn thing. No, that's not... no, not the point. No... No. Why'd you even  call my landline?! … Dummy? Seriously? Steve, it's a  robot . A  bad one. It doesn't have feelings! No, I would know. I programmed it! Oh, for... holy Asimov's ghost, Steve, we are  not getting into a debate about robots and humans... No, because it always ends in you calling me a robot! … … … I know, Steve. Oh, fuck, Steve... Don't... Okay, okay, I didn't mean it like that. I know. I know. I  know , okay, fuck, stop apologizing. It's fine. Okay, fine, it's not fine, you apologized, it's fine now. Okay. So, did you call me for anything besides saying hi to my robot? Uh-huh. ... Huh. ...  
Trigger: Mess(Grease_Floor).  
Run Program: Clean(Grease_Floor).  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 05·10·12_11·25  
“So Tony told me I could teach you things, because you're so smart. Is that right?”  
Trigger: Question<“So Tony told me I could teach you things, because you're so smart. Is that right?”>  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“That waggle with your arm means yes, doesn't it?”  
Trigger: Question<“That waggle with your arm means yes, doesn't it?”>  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Got it, little guy. So, I was thinking I could teach you something to help Tony out. I bet you'd like that: to do something to help Tony.”  
Trigger: Question<“I bet you'd like that: to do something to help Tony.”>  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Alright. So, here's what I'm going to teach you how to do: we're going to make a sandwich for Tony. It's... it's like toast, except twice, and with filling in the middle. That way, you can make Tony a sandwich, instead of just toast. And maybe between the two of us, we can get him to eat properly every once in awhile. Sound good?”  
Trigger: Question<“Sound good?”>.  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Alright, so I'll teach you how to make Tony's favorite sandwich first. You'll need two pieces of toast...”  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 05·12·12_02·50  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12 hours.  
Run Program: Feed(Tony).  
Trigger: No Food.  
Run Program: Make(Food).  
Run SubRoutine: Toast_2.  
Running.  
Running.  
SubRoutine_Toast_2 successfully executed!  
Run SubRoutine: Lettuce.  
Running.  
Mass refrigeration failure.  
Run Program: Call(Steve).  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 05·26·12_13·05  
“Hey, Dummy! C'mere. Look, it's robots playing baseball. Isn't that neat?”  
Trigger: Steve greeting.  
Trigger: Question<“Isn't that neat?”>  
Run Program: GreetSteve.  
Running.  
Received Handshake.  
Program_GreetSteve successfully executed!  
Run Program: Answer(Neg).  
Program_Answer(Neg) successfully executed!  
Run Program: Shame.  
Program_Shame successfully executed!  
“Oh, hey, buddy. You're just as good as them, you know. I've seen you... uh... well,  try to play catch with Tony before. Hey! Do you want to play catch sometime?”  
Trigger: Question<“Do you want to play catch sometime?”>  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Oh, hey, you know what? The Dodgers are really doing terrible right now – should have figured, moving them back to Brooklyn wouldn't help their average, probably just hurt them, really – so why don't we go play some catch?”  
Trigger: Question<“So why don't we go play some catch?”>  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Alright buddy, come on, follow me. I'll grab a ball and we can throw it around in the gym.”  
Trigger: Command_Follow(Steve).  
Run Program: Follow(Steve).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Okay, here we go! You go over there and I'll see what kind of heat you can put on.”  
Program_Follow(Steve) successfully executed!  
Trigger: Command_Move  
Run Program: Move  
Program_Move successfully executed!  
“Here you go, I'll toss it nice and easy to start.”  
Trigger: Directional specific projectiles subroutine 4.  
Run Program: Catch_Play.  
Running.  
Ball on the floor.  
Program_Catch_Play failed.  
Run Program: Shame.  
Program_Shame successfully executed!  
“It's okay little guy! Just pick it up...”  
Trigger: Command_Fetch(Ball).  
Run Program: Fetch(Ball).  
Program_Fetch(Ball) successfully executed!  
Run Program: Catch_Play  
Running.  
Program_Catch_Play successfully executed!  
“Hey, not bad! Good throw, Dummy!”  
Trigger: Praise.  
Run Program: …  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 06·12·12_09·15  
Trigger: Tony hasn't slept in 72 hours.  
Run Program: Sleep(Tony).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Get out.”  
Trigger: Command_Leave.  
Run Program: Leave.  
Running.  
Trigger: Tony hasn't slept in 72 hours.  
Run Program: Sleep(Tony).  
Running.  
“I swear, I will melt down your insides  turn them into tinsel and  sell it to a nunnery. Get the hell out. I'm busy.”  
Trigger: Threat(Tony_Dummy)  
Run Program: Shame.  
Program_Shame successfully executed!  
Trigger: Command_Leave.  
Run Program: Leave.  
Running.  
Trigger: Tony hasn't slept in 72 hours.  
Run Program: Sleep(Tony).  
Run SubRoutine: Blanket(Tony).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Get the hell out! JARVIS, lock Dummy out. I need to finish this.”  
Trigger: Command_Leave.  
Run Program: Leave.  
Running.  
Program_Leave successfully executed!  
Trigger: Tony hasn't slept in 72 hours.  
Run Program: Sleep(Tony).  
Run SubRoutine: Blanket(Tony).  
Run SubRoutine: Talk(JARVIS).  
Running.  
“I'm under strict orders by Master Stark to keep you out of the lab.”  
Running.  
“I'm sorry, Dummy, but I cannot disobey Master Stark.”  
Running.  
“I'll contact Miss Potts, shall I?”  
Trigger: Command_Pepper{Sleep(Tony)}  
Success rate 34%.  
Run Program: Talk(JARVIS).  
Running.  
“I'm sure Miss Potts will be able to handle the situation more competently than you or I. I'm contacting her now.”  
Run Program: Wait(Pepper).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 06·15·12_13·50  
Trigger: Steve watching the Dodgers game.  
Run Program: Watch(TV_Steve).  
Run SubRoutine: Feed(Steve).  
Run SubRoutine: Make(Sandwich_Steve_1).  
Running.  
ERROR.  
Sandwich cache: {Sandwich_Tony_1; Sandwich_Tony_2; Sandwich_Pepper_1; Toast}.  
Run SubRoutine: Make(Toast).  
Running.  
Running.  
Toast.  
SubRoutine_Make(Toast) successfully executed!  
Run SubRoutine: Hydrate(Steve).  
Run SubRoutine: Locate(Beer).  
Running.  
Beer.  
SubRoutine_Locate(Beer) successfully executed!  
Running.  
“Hey Dummy! You ready to- Oh, you didn't have to do that! Thanks little buddy. This toast looks... great. Just a little burnt, that's okay! Yum, that's good!”  
SubRoutine_Feed(Steve) successfully executed!  
SubRoutine_Hydrate(Steve) successfully executed!  
Program_Watch(TV_Steve) successfully executed!  
Trigger: Praise.  
Run Program: …  
Add Program: Trigger[Praise]\\\Run(Happy).  
Add SubRoutine: Run[Happy]\\\Run(Concat{Spin_4^ArmWaggle_6}.  
SubRoutine successfully added!  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
“There you guy, little guy. Just settle right in... on my lap is fine, sure. Now let's hope the Dodgers can turn things around this game: not suffer a sweep, for once.”  
Note(Ask{Tony_[Sandwich_Steve_1]}).  
  
Timestamp: 06·15·12_19·45  
“What do you want, Dummy?”  
Run Program: Ask(Tony_{Sandwich_Steve_1}).  
Running.  
“Oh no, you're trying to ask me something, aren't you?”  
Trigger: Question<“Oh, no, you're trying to ask me something, aren't you?”>  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Fuck, and you're going... okay, go, tap out the question. JARVIS, translate Dummy's binary for me, won't you?”  
Running.  
“He appears to be asking you what to fill in under sandwich subfile Steve rating one.”  
“He wants to know how to make Steve's favorite sandwich?”  
“That would appear to be the case.”  
“How should I know?”  
Run Program: Sad.  
Program_Sad successfully executed!  
“Wait, wait! Listen, Dummy, okay. Fine, you... Go ask Steve. Steve knows  what  Steve's favorite sandwich  is . JARVIS, follow Dummy around and tell Steve what Dummy wants to know, okay?”  
Trigger: Command_Locate(Steve).  
“Steve's wearing off on me... Feeling sorry for the hunk of metal...”  
Run Program: Locate(Steve).  
Running.  
Running.  
Program_Locate(Steve) successfully executed!  
“Master Rogers? It appears Dummy would like to know how to make your favorite sandwich.”  
“Oh, Dummy, you don't have to do that!”  
Run Program: Answer(Neg).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Neg) successfully executed!  
“Okay, okay. Let's go to the kitchen and I'll teach you. But I'm warning you: it has tomatoes. And they're pretty tough to cut, because they're round. But I'll help you out.”  
Trigger: Command_Follow(Steve).  
Run Program: Follow(Steve).  
Running.  
Add SubRoutine: ERROR[Program_Unknown]\\\Run{Find(Steve)}.  
SubRoutine successfully added!  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 06·20·12_09·25  
“Here you go, right over the plate, let's see if you can catch it!”  
Trigger: Directional specific projectiles subroutine 4.  
Run Program: Catch_Play.  
Running.  
Program_Catch_Play successfully executed!  
“Look at that! You're getting too good for me, Dummy! I had a lot of heat on that one, too. Alright, let's see if you can throw it back, come on, strike me out.”  
Trigger: Praise.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
Run Program: Catch_Play.  
Running.  
Program_Catch_Play successfully executed!  
“There you go, right in the mitt. Okay, got another one coming at you. Get ready for it...”  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 06·22·12_02·55  
“Fuck... osfh. Dum...”  
Trigger: TonyDrunk.  
Trigger: Threat(Tony_Tony).  
Run Program: Protect(Tony_Tony).  
Running.  
ERROR.  
Override code 1: Protect(Tony).  
Trigger: Threat(Tony_Tony).  
Run Program: Protect(Tony_Tony).  
Running.  
ERROR.  
Override code 1 Protect(Tony).  
Trigger: Threat(Tony_Tony).  
Run Program: Protect(Tony_Tony).  
Running.  
ERROR.  
Override code 1 Protect(Tony).  
Run SubRoutine: Locate(Steve).  
Running.  
Running.  
Trigger: JARVISCommunication<“Dummy, you may desist. I am watching over Master Stark. There is no need to get Master Rogers involved.”>  
Running.  
Running.  
Trigger: JARVISCommunication<“Command_Desist.”>  
Override code 1: Protect(Tony).  
Run SubRoutine: Locate(Steve).  
Running.  
Running.  
SubRoutine_Locate(Steve) successfully executed!  
“What... What time... Dummy? Do you... what's wrong?”  
Run Program: Protect(Tony_Tony).  
Run SubRoutine: Guide(Steve_Tony).  
Running.  
“Ow, okay, stop hitting... It must be serious, darn. Okay, Dummy, I'm coming. Here we go. Show me what's wrong.”  
“Nothing is the matter, Master Rogers. Dummy is over-reacting to the inebriated state of Master Stark. You may go back to sleep.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“He seems really upset, JARVIS. I'll just check on Tony, okay?”  
“That's entirely unnecessary-”  
“Well, too bad. Dummy, go on. I'm following you.”  
Running.  
Running.  
SubRoutine_Guide(Steve_Tony) successfully executed!  
Running.  
“Oh, Tony...”  
“Grsh... Oh. Caps. Go... Get... Go.”  
“You can't do this to yourself just because-”  
“Fuck.. You fucking... know? Huh? What?”  
“I know, Tony. It was rough. But you can't take it out on-”  
“Take it... anyway, hey. Hey. Wanna... Take it. Right now. Here, just...”  
“No, Tony. Not... Hell, I know you won't even remember this. Not like this, Tony. Sometime. Not like this. Come on.”  
“Gershoff...”  
“Come on. We're getting some water in you, and we're putting you to bed.”  
Running.  
Program_Protect(Tony_Tony) successfully executed!  
“Thanks, buddy.”  
Trigger: Pat.  
Trigger: Praise.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 06·30·12_13·45  
Trigger: …  
Trigger: Dust.  
Run Program: Clean(Dust_Shelf).  
Running.  
Program_Clean(Sweep) successfully executed!  
Trigger: …  
Trigger: Grease.  
Run Program: Clean(Grease_Floor).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Trigger: Tony entered.  
Run Program: Greet(Tony).  
“Okay, JARVIS, patch me into SHIELD. I'm sick of Fury jerking me around on this thing. I know it's got something to do with my weapons, and I want to know what. Pull it up... Yeah, good.”  
Program_Greet(Tony) failed.  
Run Program: Sad.  
Program_Sad successfully executed!  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 07·01·12_07·00  
“I’m just not sure... I know he’s a good man. At heart. I’m not sure why he tries so hard to  hide that.”  
Trigger: Talk(Steve).  
Run Program: …  
“It’s like he thinks goodness is a weakness. Something that others could exploit. Which, I guess, it could be. But look at me: people don’t think I’m weak. Or exploitable. And the last people who did, well, I showed them.”  
Run Program: …  
“I think it all is tied up in Howard, somehow. I’d never say it to Tony, but. I can’t even  mention Howard around Tony. He was my friend, but if I say his name my new friend, my Tony, would just... go away.”  
Add Program: Trigger[Talk(Steve)]\\\Run[Listen(Steve)].  
Run Program: Listen(Steve).  
“And, you know: I like Tony. A lot. I don’t know exactly how it happened, but. Well. He’s a good man. Even if he thinks it’s better to hide it, he can’t hide it from me. He’s a good man. He just... he thinks he has to do it all.”  
Run Program: Listen(Steve).  
“It’s like, he’s a genius, right? I mean, everyone knows that. But for some reason, Tony seems to think that because he’s a genius he has to fix everything, all by himself. He has to run a company, and make millions - billions, right, billions, still getting used to that - and donate to charities, and come up with new inventions every day, and keep making modifications to all our armors and weapons, and keep up this playboy persona even while he’s running around  physically saving the world . It’s just... I don’t know who told Tony that he has to do it all, on his own.”  
Running.  
“I think it was Howard.”  
Running.  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 07·02·12_16·00  
Warning: Electrostatic increase.  
Run Program: Move.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Little Migardian helper! Come back! I wish to throw the ball with you as is your custom with our mighty brother Steve!”  
Running.  
Running.  
Warning: Massive Electrobzzzt10101101010101010101  
Run Przzzzzz01010001010gram: Mrrzzzztttto100101001.  
Running.  
Runbbbzzzzz101010101010.  
“Little Migardian helper! Wait! What is happening to your simplistic metal form?”  
bzzzz1010101010bzzzzz  
System Shutdown.  
  
Timestamp: 07·02·12_19·05  
Trigger: System Restart.  
Run Program: Systems Check.  
Answer(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Answer(x){x|x (Pos), (Neg)}; Add(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; (Ask(x_y){x,y|x,y (Tony_[Sandwich_Steve_1])}; Blanket(USER); Call(x){x|x (Happy), (JARVIS), (Pepper), (Steve), (Tony)}; Catch_x{x|x (Attack), (Defense), (Play), (Protect)}; Command_x{x|x (\\\phi^psi^...phi+1}; Concat{x1^x2^...xn+1}; CutCookie; Deliver(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Descending_Importance; Directional specific projectiles subroutine(x){x|x n1 v n2 v... n+1}; Draw(x){x|x 1, 2, 3}; Feed(USER); Fetch(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1}; FireExtinguisher; FirstAid(USER); Flashback; Follow(USER); Gratitude; Greet(USER); Give(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Guarddog(x){x|x n1 v n2 v... n+1}; Guide(x_y){x,y|x,y (USER_(Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; HahahaSuckItCoulson; Happy; Hydrate(USER); Insult(x_y){x,y|x,y USER_USER}; JARVISCommunicate; Leave; Locate{x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}v{x|x (USER)}; Look(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1};  Make(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Mess(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Move; Neg(x){x|x (Program\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Open(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Pet(USER); Praise(USER); Protect(x_y){x,y|x,y(USER_USER)v(USER_[Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1])}; Rename[x]\\\\[x]{x|x n1 v n2 v... n+1}; Run; Sad; Sleep(USER); Shame; Shoo(USER); Stop; SystemsCheck(x){x|x (Program\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Stay; Sweep(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Take(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Talk(USER); Threat(x_y){x,y|x,y(USER_USER)v(USER_[Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1])};   Throw(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}; Wait(USER); Watch(x){x|x (Object\\\phi v psi v... phi+1)}...  
“Fucking god-of-thunder. Seriously, who ever thought to themselves: Yeah, you know what we'll do? We'll get a tech genius, with lots of  tech ,  which runs off  electricity  in case you fucking forgot ,  and shove him next to a god-of-thunder. Except the big god-guy's not a god of thunder, actually, it's all about  the  lightning. Oh, does that shit tend to screw with electronics? Oh well! Genius tech guy will figure it out!”  
Program_SystemsCheck successfully executed!  
Trigger: Tony in room.  
Run Program: Greet(Tony).  
“Oh, good. Fuck. That was... Okay, yeah, hey. Good. You're up and running. Hi.”  
Program_Greet(Tony) successfully executed!  
“Hey, okay, ran your systems check, yeah, FYI upgraded your wheels and junk while you were under. Test it out, go on. Go point A to B.”  
Trigger: Command_Move{SystemsCheck_MotorSystem_1}  
Run Program: Move{SystemsCheck_MotorSystem_1}  
Running.  
Running.  
Program_Move{SystemsCheck_MotorSystem_1} successfully executed!  
Report: MotorSystem_1 +45% Yield.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
“What the hell was that?”  
Trigger: Question<“What the hell was that?”>.  
Run Program: JARVISCommunicate.  
Running.  
Program_JARVISCommunicate successfully executed!  
“It would appear to be a program he added. ‘Happy’.”  
“You need to spend less time around Steve.”  
  
Timestamp: 07·06·12_06·00  
Trigger: Steve entered.  
Run Program: GreetSteve.  
Running.  
“Look at you go, speedy wheels. Tony give you upgrades?”  
Program_GreetSteve successfully executed!  
Trigger: Question<“Tony give you upgrades?”>  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“That's neat. You can keep me company now, I bet. Come on: follow me.”  
Trigger: Command_Follow(Steve).  
Run Program: Follow(Steve).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Program_Follow(Steve) successfully executed!  
“You know I could build you a dog. A robot dog. Or, hell, I could get you a real dog. You want one? Everyone's all about rescue dogs nowadays, but if you wanted one from a breeder I can hook you up. Probably better for PR if you do rescue, though. Of course, if you just let me build you one we'd avoid all-”  
“Tony.”  
“What?”  
“I don't want anything else. Dummy is a great running partner. Especially with the upgrades. And I think Dummy likes it, too.”  
Trigger: Question<“And I think Dummy likes it, too.”>  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“See?”  
“Oh for... okay, fine. Still don't know why you insist on hanging out with this hunk o’ junk. I can make you better robots. This is just some science-fair project I did back when I was a little shit teenager.”  
Trigger: Insult(Tony_Dummy).  
Run Program: Sad.  
Running.  
Program_Sad successfully executed!  
“Maybe that's why I like him.”  
“What?”  
“You made it when you were just a boy. That's... That's amazing Tony.”  
“I made him to make toast.”  
Trigger: Toast.  
Run Program: Make(Toast).  
Run-  
Trigger: Pet(Steve).  
Cancel Program_Make(Toast).  
“Oh. Uh. Huh?”  
“Just... I like him, Tony. Okay?”  
“Oh. Oh- Okay?”  
Trigger: Praise.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
“Whoa, wait, hold up, Steve! Back up a minute: What do you mean that's why you like him?”  
  
Timestamp: 07·21·12_13·20  
Running.  
Running.  
Program_Catch(Play) successfully executed!  
“I merely desired to throw the ball with the Migardian helper robot, like our Captain does! Observe!”  
“Whoa whoa whoa! No way in hell, get back from there right now, Thor.”  
Trigger: Directional specific projectiles subroutine 4.  
Run Program: Catch(Play).  
Running.  
Program_Catch(Play) successfully executed!  
“Good job, Dummy! You're getting better at this every time. Tony, did you see?”  
Trigger: Praise.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
“Yeah, I saw. Saw you throw the ball perfectly into his arm. Try throwing it a millimeter off next time, then tell me how much better he does.”  
“Tony...”  
“Yeah yeah, robot feelings. Sure thing.”  
Warning: Electrostatic increase.  
Run Program: Move.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Thor, for fuck's sake, I swear to  not you I'm going to take that hammer and give it back to your daddy if you don't stay away from Dummy.”  
Electrostatic build down to safe levels.  
Program_Move canceled.  
“See? You care, too.”  
“I care about my million-dollar electronics getting fried. I care about having to spend my time – which itself is worth millions, no, seriously – repairing my Dummy bot because some demi-god can't follow orders.”  
“You care.”  
“Shut up and get back to your catch.”  
Run Program: Catch.  
Running.  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 07·23·12_07·00  
Running Program: Listen(Steve).  
Running.  
“I think Tony’s never had anyone take care of him, and so he never learned how to take care of himself. You’d think it’d go the opposite way: if he never had anyone to take care of him, then he’d have learned early on how to do it himself. But what happened was since no one took care of him, he never even figured out what that looked like. So he just did what Howard did: threw money at the problem. And he hired Pepper, and Happy, and built JARVIS, and you, of course. But paying people to drive you around and keep your organized isn’t the same as taking care of yourself, or even having others take care of you.”  
Running.  
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply you don’t do a good job taking care of him. You do. You do a very good job. But it’s a lot of work, and you’re just one robot.”  
Trigger: Talk(Steve).  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Okay. Just making sure I wasn’t making you feel sad.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“How’s that look?”  
Trigger: Question<“How’s that look?”>  
Run Program: Answer(x).  
Run SubRoutine: Look(Drawing).  
Running.  
SubRoutine_Look(Drawing) successfully executed!  
Concat{Look(Drawing)^Answer(x)}.  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Thanks. His eyes aren’t right, though. Eyes are always hard to get right, if you want to really make it look alive, look like the person. But Tony’s... that’s the only part of him that ever seems to be telling the truth. I’ve never gotten his right, yet.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“I think he needs to have someone take care of him. So he can see what it’s like. He’s not going to figure it out on his own - not if the last forty years are any indication.”  
Running.  
“He needs someone to take care of him. So he can do it himself.”  
Running.  
Running.  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 07·25·12_09·05  
Trigger: Tony tired.  
Run Prog-  
“Hey. I got an extra coffee this morning.”  
“Oh, yes. Give. Give it here. Yes. Ugh. The best.”  
Cancel.  
  
Timestamp: 07·27·12_17·30  
Trigger: Tony hasn't eaten in 12 hours.  
Run Prog-  
“I come with food.”  
“Huh? I don't... Oh, yeah. Guess maybe. Give it. Who told you?”  
“No one told me. Just hadn't seen you upstairs for a while.”  
“Gnff. Yesh. Kuh. Mm, okay, sorry, hungrier than I thought. Must have lost track of time.”  
Cancel.  
  
Timestamp: 08·01·12_22·00  
Trigger: Tony hasn't slept in 72 hours.  
Run Prog-  
“You're coming with me.”  
“What? Huh? Leave me alone. I'm busy.”  
“You're coming with me right now. I can't have you falling asleep in the field. Come on.”  
“M'fine.”  
“You look like you're going to die where you sit. Please, Tony.”  
Run Program: Slee-  
“Okay.”  
Cancel.  
  
Timestamp: 08·04·12_08·00  
Trigger: Coulson in room.  
Run Program: HahahaSuckItCoulson.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Please leave.”  
Trigger: Command_Leave(Coulson).  
Run Program: Leave(Coulson).  
Override code 27: Stay(Coulson).  
Run Program: HahahaSuckItCoulson.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Do you need something?”  
Trigger: Question<“Do you need something?”>  
Run Program: Answer(Neg_Coulson).  
Override code 27: NegAnswer(Neg_Coulson).  
Run Program: HahahaSuckItCoulson.  
Running.  
“Stark.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“One of these days I'm going to let Barton loose in his lab and see what happens.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Excuse me, I have somewhere to be.”  
Trigger: Coulson leaving.  
Run Program: HahahaSuckItCoulson_Follow.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Rogers must have the override codes for this thing.”  
Running.  
Running.  
  
  
Timestamp: 08·03·12_18·45  
“You know, Coulson told me he thinks you programmed Dummy to stand near him.”  
“And do what?”  
“Stand.”  
Trigger: …  
Trigger: Grease.  
Run Program: Clean(Grease).  
Running.  
Running.  
“That's ridiculous.”  
Trigger: Mess(Food).  
Run Program: Clean(Food).  
Running.  
“Okay Dummy, seriously, leave us alone. You can mop up and dropped pieces of lo-mien after we leave.”  
Trigger: Command_Cancel  
“If we weren't sitting on the floor of your lab, maybe he wouldn't be bothering us.”  
Program_Clean(Food) canceled.  
“If we weren't sitting on the floor of my lab, you’d never have convinced me to eat.”  
“Is that why you first invented him?”  
Trigger: …  
Run Program: Clean(Grease).  
Running.  
“What, to take care of me? No. Invented him to win a couple grand at the science fair.”  
“You needed to win some money?”  
“Okay, not for the money, then. But, hey: win a prize! Gets me every time.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“But why'd you invent  him .”  
“I could. First thing I thought of.”  
“Why'd you program him to make toast?”  
“Dunno. Toast, I mean... What's with the twenty questions, Rogers? Is that what this meal was: trick to get me to do some team bonding or open up or some crap?”  
“Tony.”  
“ Steve .”  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Tony. I'm just here as me. I'm just asking normal questions. Questions friends ask. But you don't ever have to answer them.”  
“Friends.”  
“Tony.”  
“Whatever.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Tony, wait. Please? If you don't want to talk about Dummy-”  
“No, fine. Whatever. You want to know about Dummy?  
Trigger: Flashback.  
Run Program: Flashback(1).  
Running.  
 _  
Timestamp: 04·15·86_10·00_ _  
“_ _ And now here is young Mr. Tony Stark, with his project: Robot Arm DUM-E. Titled: 'The Rest of the Competition is Toast!'.”  
Run: __ _  
“_ _ Alright, Dummy. You ready?”  
Run: __ _  
“_ _ 'Course you're ready. Okay. Okay. No big deal. Okay. Okay. Let's go.”  
Run: __ _  
“_ _...and so, it is through software, not hardware, that I've managed to design this robot arm. Although his wheels currently are controlled by this remote control, what you will witness him doing today is entirely through pre-programmed software. The programming language I invented myself: I call it VAB23. I have complete copies of it in my report.”  
Run: __ _  
“_ _...without further adieu, I present to you: DUM-E!”  
Run: __ _  
“_ _ Dummy, Run Toast.  
Run: Toast._ _  
Running._ _  
Running._ _  
Running._ _  
Running._ _  
Program_Toast successfully executed!_ _  
“_ _ Thank you! Thank you! Take a victory lap for us, why don't you Dummy?”  
Run: __ _  
“_ _ Haha, Dummy, you did great! Oh, that  rocked ! No way we're going to lose! I mean, who else are they going to give the prize to? That kid with the Legos? That girl with the uranium? Oh, yeah, like no one's done  that a hundred times by the 1950s. So old school. We've got this!”  
Run: __ _  
“_ _ Wonder if Dad'll hear about it when we win. Know he wasn't here, but someone might tell him about it. Mom, maybe. If she hears about it.”  
Run: __ _  
“_ _ Well, you know. Whatever. We rocked. That's what matters, huh?”  
Run: __  
  
Timestamp: 08·03·12_18·55  
Program_Flashback(1) successfully executed!  
“Tony-”  
“Don't even start. Because you can't even sympathize, can you? Fucking Howard Stark was one of your best friends-”  
“I wouldn't say-”  
“He  liked you, Steve. You know what it's like to have Howard  like you. I'm his own fucking son and he never granted me that much.”  
“I'm sure he did, Tony. He didn't show it, but-”  
“Don't even know why we're talking about this. Look, I got some food in me, you can stop pretending to care-”  
“I care, Tony.”  
Run Program: Clean(Grease).  
Running.  
Running.  
“You care, okay. Just like-”  
“Don't even try that, Tony. You know I care about you differently.”  
“No I don't.”  
“Tony-”  
“No, I  don't,  Steve. But whatever, what do I care, what does it m-mmf!”  
Running.  
“Steve...”  
“Tony: quiet.”  
“Okay, okay. Quiet as a mouse. Just... Come here...”  
Running.  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 08·12·12_17·50  
Trigger: Steve in room.  
Run Program: GreetSteve.  
Running.  
“Hey, Dummy! Tony's not down here?”  
Trigger: Question<“Tony's not down here?”>  
Run Program: Answer(Neg).  
Running.  
Program_Neg successfully executed!  
“Oh, that's okay. I can wait.”  
Trigger: …  
Trigger: Grease.  
Run Program: Clean(Grease).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Hey, Dummy. Look.”  
Trigger: Command_Look.  
Run Program: Look.  
Running.  
Program_Look successfully executed!  
“It's a drawing of you. I think you came out looking pretty handsome.”  
Trigger: Praise.  
Run Program: Happy.  
“Here: You think you could draw something? Do you know how?”  
Trigger: {Pencil, Paper, Command_Draw}.  
Run Program: Draw_1  
Running.  
Running.  
Program_Draw_1 successfully executed!  
“Hey, wow! Look at that! It’s Tony’s company logo, right?”  
Trigger: Question<“It’s Tony’s company logo, right?”>  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Wow, that’s really impressive, Dummy! Can you draw anything else?”  
Trigger: Praise.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
Trigger: Command_Draw(Neg1).  
Run Program: Draw_2.  
Running.  
Running.  
Program_Draw_2 successfully executed!  
“Is that... What is that? A map?”  
“It’s MIT.”  
“Oh, hey Tony! We were just waiting for you.”  
“We?”  
Trigger: Tony in room.  
Run Program: Greet(Tony).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Well, Dummy was already here when I came down.”  
“Right, Dummy. Because Dummy waits for me.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Tony.”  
“It’s MIT, anyway. He can draw 3 things: Stark Logo, MIT, and...”  
“...and?”  
“luerintostr.”  
“Pardon me?”  
“Blueprints for a toaster.”  
Trigger: Draw_3.  
Run Program: Draw_3.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Oh, Tony.”  
Program_Draw_3 successfully executed!  
“Okay, whatever. Programmed this garbage in before I figured out how to get laid. Speaking of which...”  
“Tony...”  
“Come on, handsome. You were waiting down here for a reason, weren’t you?”  
“I-”  
“Yeah you were.”  
“Tony .”  
“Come here, hot stuff.”  
“Wait, hang on, don’t... Not on the drawings.”  
“Are you serious?”  
Trigger: …  
“Okay, okay! Come on: couch. Come on, come on...”  
Trigger: …  
Trigger: Grease.  
Run Program: Clean(Grease).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
  
Timestamp: 08·15·12_09·00  
“Hey, Dummy! Look!”  
Trigger: Command_Look  
Run Program: Look.  
Running.  
Program_Look successfully executed!   
Dummy’s drawings on Lab Mini-Fridge.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
“I thought they were so good I’d hang them up on the fridge! You’re very talented, Dummy.”  
Trigger: Praise.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
“You’re not serious.”  
Run Program: GreetTony.  
Running.  
Running.  
“They’re great, Tony! And look how happy he is.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“They’re computer programming. You should be impressed with me. I programmed him.”  
“I’m always impressed with you.”  
“Oh yeah?”  
“Tony...”  
Program_GreetTony canceled.  
Trigger: …  
“Wait, hey, don’t distract me.”  
“Yeah, I’m pretty distracting, I know.”  
“ Tony . I came down here to talk with you about the latest reports from SHIELD.”  
“Can we go back to praising our robo-son?”  
“Actually, I did have a question.”  
“I don’t know whether to celebrate or run.”  
Trigger: Grease.  
Run Program: Clean(Grease).  
Running.  
“Why only three drawing programs?”  
“Programmed him to do my signature once.”  
“He can’t do that.”  
“Not anymore. Had to take it out.”  
“Did it get into the wrong hands?”  
“Oh, no. Just Dummy’s. Ended up owning a toaster factory by the end of the first day.”  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
  
**  
  
Timestamp: 08·20·12_09·45  
Trigger: Dodgers game on TV.  
Run Program: Watch(TV_Steve).  
Run SubRoutine: Locate(Steve).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Run SubRoutine: Locate(Tony).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Fuck! What the hell?”  
“Hnn? Tony, what... Why'd you stop...”  
“Fuck! Dummy! Get out!”  
“Oh! Oh, geeze. Dummy!”  
SubRoutine_Locate(Tony) successfully executed!  
SubRoutine_Locate(Steve) successfully executed!  
Trigger: Steve not moving from bed.  
Run Program: Lead(Steve).  
Running.  
“Uh... Tony, I think Dummy wants me to follow him.”  
“No.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Tony...”  
“No, no, no. It's a  robot Steve, I am a man, I am very interested in continuing to  destroy that complete perfect ass of yours, and I will call up Reed Richards and figure out a way to  explode myself in the past if he ends up cock-blocking me tonight.”  
“Tony, stop it. He's just trying to be sociable.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Steve, I swear to God, if you don't let me  pound you into the headboard in five seconds -”  
“You'll what, Tony? Honestly.”  
“I won't pound you into the headboard.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Dummy, whatever it is, cancel it. I'll come by and play catch with you later, okay?”  
Trigger: Command_Leave.  
Run Program: Leave.  
Running.  
“ Fuck, yes . Thank you, Steve. Now come here.”  
Running.  
“Just wait... Tony...”  
Program_Leave successfully executed!  
“Tony, he didn't close the door.”  
“Come on, you like that...”  
“I... oh, Ton- No! Close... Close the... Oh. Uh.  Uhh ...”  
Add SubRoutine: ERROR[Find(Steve)]\\\Run[Find(Tony)]  
“Yeah?”  
“Oh, yeah. Tony, yes. Just...  there ...”  
SubRoutine successfully added!  
  
**


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking care of Tony is a lot of work. Especially when you’ve only got one arm. And your code dates back to the 1980s.

Timestamp: 8·29·12_08·00  
Trigger: Fury in room.  
Run Program: Shoo(Fury).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Oh, hey. Guess you met Dummy.”  
Trigger: Tony in room.  
Run Program: Greet(Tony).  
Running.  
Receive: Pat.  
Program_Greet(Tony) successfully executed!  
Running.  
Running.  
“What exactly is your robot doing, Stark?”  
Running.  
“I believe this program is called “Shoo”, specifically running SubSpecification Shoo(Fury).”  
Running.  
“Stark.”  
“Yeah-huh?”  
“This is about the helicarrier you blew up last week.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“A little! I blew it up a little!”  
“Let’s talk.”  
Running.  
Fury gone.  
Program_Shoo(Fury) successfully executed!

Timestamp: 8·29·12_10·00  
Trigger: {Fury in room; Tony’s birthday 2 weeks}.  
Outstanding Command:<“Want to get the man who has everything something really nice? Get me Fury’s eyepatch.” “Tony.” “Alright, then just get down on your knees and... yeah. Yeah...”>  
Run Program: Take(Eyepatch).  
Running.  
Running.  
Trigger: Threat(Fury_Dummy).  
Run Program: Move.  
Running.  
Program_Move successfully executed!  
Running.  
Running.  
Trigger: Threat(Fury_Dummy).  
Run Program: Move.  
Running.  
Program_Move successfully executed!  
Running.  
“Stark!”  
“Tony’s busy, what- Oh. Director Fury. What is...”  
“It would appear your pet robot is trying to steal my eyepatch.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“You wouldn’t happen to know why Tony’s robot is trying to steal my eyepatch, would you?”  
“Dummy: no.”  
Trigger: Command<“No”>.  
Concat{Take(Eyepatch)^Command_No)}.  
Run Program: NegTake(Eyepatch).  
Running.  
Program_NegTake(Eyepatch) successfully executed!  
“See? You just have to talk to him.”  
Trigger: Fury in room.  
Run Program: Shoo(Fury).  
Running.  
Running.  
“I’ll leave the talking to you, Captain. I have better things to do with my time.”  
Program_Shoo(Fury) successfully executed!  
Trigger: Steve in room.  
Run Program: GreetSteve.  
Running.  
Received{Pat}.  
Program_GreetSteve successfully executed!  
“Why don’t we figure out something else you could get Tony, okay? You can help me. I still haven’t figure out what to get him yet, either.”  
Trigger: Question.  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Okay. Come along.”

**

Timestamp: 09·02·12_00·45  
Trigger: Tony hasn't slept in 72 hours.  
Run Program: Sleep(Tony).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Get out.”  
Trigger: Command_Leave.  
Run Program: Leave.  
Running.  
Trigger: Tony hasn't slept in 72 hours.  
Run Program: Sleep(Tony).  
Running.  
“I swear, I will file down your metal and turn you into dust for rich assholes to drink in their champagne. Get the hell out. I'm busy.”  
Trigger: Threat(Tony_Dummy)  
Run Program: Shame.  
Program_Shame successfully executed!  
Trigger: Command_Leave.  
Run Program: Leave.  
Running.  
Trigger: Tony hasn't slept in 72 hours.  
Run Program: Sleep(Tony).  
Run SubRoutine: Blanket(Tony).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Get the hell out! JARVIS, lock Dummy out. I need to finish this.”  
Trigger: Command_Leave.  
Run Program: Leave.  
Running.  
Program_Leave successfully executed!  
Trigger: Tony hasn't slept in 72 hours.  
Run Program: Sleep(Tony).  
Run SubRoutine: Blanket(Tony).  
Run SubRoutine: Locate(Steve).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
SubRoutine_Locate(Steve) successfully executed!  
“Hey Dummy. What's going on today?”  
Trigger: SubRoutine_Find(Steve) successfully executed.  
Run Program: Lead(Steve_Tony).  
Running.  
“Sure, I'll follow you. Lead the way.”  
Running.  
Running.  
Program_Lead(Steve_Tony) successfully executed!  
Running.  
“Tony. When was the last time you slept?”  
“Fuck. Fuck. JARVIS! I told you to keep Dummy out of here!”  
“I only let Captain Rogers in, sir.”  
“Traitor.”  
“Indeed.”  
“Okay, no. You: Out. Both of you. Out out out, I've got this-”  
Running.  
“Hey! What are you doing! Steve! Oh, you bastard, put me down. Put me down right now, you...”  
Trigger: Threat(Steve_Tony).  
ERROR.  
Syntax failure: Threat(Steve_Tony).  
“Tony, Dummy doesn't get nervous about your lack of sleep until you hit the 72 hour mark.”  
“How do you-”  
“You're going to bed.”  
“No, Steve, you don't understand... Okay seriously though, this view is to die for.”  
“Glad you're enjoying it.”  
“Okay, fine, if I get to stare at your ass the entire way... Hey, there's something! Let's have sex. Then I'll go to sleep.”  
“There's no way you could have sex right now.”  
“Wanna bet?”  
Running.  
“If you promise to fall asleep, I'll...”  
“You'll what?”  
“You know I hate when you make me say that stuff in front of other people.”  
“What other people?”  
Running.  
“It's a robot, Steve!”  
“He can understand us!”  
“That's it, put me down, I'm going back to the lab...”  
“No, fine, okay: I'll give you a... a blowjob if you promise to fall asleep right after.”  
“Do I get to suck you back?”  
“No.”  
Running.  
“Okay, deal. But only if I get to return the favor when I wake up!”  
“Nine hours from now.”  
“Three.”  
“Nine.”  
“Four.”  
“Nine.”  
Running.  
“Fine.”  
“Okay Dummy, you can go. I'm going to make sure Tony goes to sleep right now. Good job.”  
Program_Sleep(Tony) successfully executed!  
Trigger: Praise.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!

**

Timestamp: 09·08·12_19·50  
“What’s this?”  
Trigger: Command_Give(Toast_Tony).  
Run Program: Give(Toast_Tony).  
Running.  
Program_Give(Toast_Tony) successfully executed!  
Trigger: Fire.  
Run Program: FireExtinguisher.  
“No, no, Steve! Why’d you light the candle, Steve-”  
Running.  
Program_FireExtinguisher successfully executed!  
“I hate you.”  
“No you don’t.”  
“Was that supposed to be my cake-toast? Because now it’s ruined.”  
“There’s more, don’t worry.”  
“More toast? Oh, well. What a relief. I can live my life secure in the knowledge that no matter what, I will have toast again.”  
“Tony?”  
“Hm?”  
“Shut up and open your present.”  
Trigger: Mess(Paper).  
Run Program: Clean(Paper).  
Running.  
Running.  
“It’s a joint gift from me and Dummy.”  
Program_Clean(Paper) successfully executed!  
“What...”  
“It’s MIT. Dummy did the pencils and I filled in with watercolors. Oh. Do... Is it...”  
Trigger: Happy(Tony).  
Run Program: …  
Run Program: …  
“Steve. You really... Oh, damn, don’t look like that. No, no, Steve: I love it. Stop looking like I just kicked Dummy, I love it. It’s great.”  
“Oh. I just... I wasn’t sure...”  
“Come here.”  
Trigger: Happy(Steve^Tony).  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
“Oh, Tony, wait: Dummy, why don’t you go guard the door?”  
Trigger: Command<“Guard door”>.  
Run Program: Guard(Door).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Fuck, yeah, come on, get those off.”  
“Tony...”  
“Double the presents for me, tonight. Got this, got this...”  
“To- Hhn... Oh. Tony, yes. Keep... there...”  
“Super-serum’s barely going to be able to keep up, when I’m through with you.”  
“Tony.”  
Running.  
Running.

**

Timestamp: 09·14·12_12·50  
Trigger: Bruce in lab.  
Run Program: Guarddog_1.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Uh, Tony?”  
“What, what is it? I thought you just needed to borrow some stuff. If I knew you were going to actually bother me with your talking I never would have let you in.  
“Sorry. It’s just... the robot?”  
“Which one, Bruce? I’ve got hundreds.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“The robot arm. I... I think it’s growling at me.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Oh, for- It doesn’t have teeth, Bruce! Just grab your shit and get out!”  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Bruce left lab.  
Program_Guarddog_1 successfully executed!  
“Good dog”.  
Trigger: {Praise, Pat}.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!

**

Timestamp: 09·23·12_21·45  
Trigger: Clint approaching Steve and Tony’s door.  
Run Program: Guarddog_2.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Move it, Wall-E. I need to talk to Steve.”  
Trigger: Clint at door.  
Run SubRoutine: Shoo(Clint).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Ow, fuck! Get away!  
Trigger: Threat(Clint_Dummy).  
Run Program: Shoo(Clint_2).  
Concat{Guarddog_2^Shoo(Clint_2)}.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Holy hell little robot! Okay, okay. Backing away.”  
Trigger: Clint retreat.  
Program_Concat{Guarddog_2^Shoo(Clint_2)} successfully executed!  
“Bonzai!”  
Trigger: {Clint approach-, Clint break-, Door-, Threat-, Security-...}  
Run Program: Guarddog_3  
“Fuck! Clint! Get the fuck out of our room!”  
“Fuck! How was I supposed to know you and Cap would be doing the horizontal-OW FUCK WHAT THE FUCK.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Stark! Stark you bastard! Get your fucking guarddog away from me! Ow, my foot! Fuck!”  
“That’s what you get for breaking down my door, asshole!”  
“Uh, guys?”  
Running.  
Running.  
Trigger: Clint inaccessible. Clint on bureau.  
Run Program: Guarddog_4.  
Run SubRoutine: Locate(Object).  
Running.  
Pillow.  
SubRoutine_Locate(Object) successfully executed!  
Concat{SubRoutine_Locate(Object)^Pillow}.  
Run SubRoutine: Throw(Pillow).  
Running.  
“FUCK.”  
Running.  
“STARK.”  
Running.  
“Dummy, hey, Dummy? Could you stop?”  
Trigger: Command_Stop(Steve).  
Program_Guarddog4 canceled.  
“And Clint: Get out.”  
“Alright, getting the picture. Fuck.”  
“And next time, knock first.”  
“Okay, okay, Steve. Got it. I’m gone.”  
“Thank you, Dummy. You can... Well. The door’s broken. Go guard Tony’s room, okay? We’ll be over in a minute.”  
Trigger: {Praise, Command_Guard(Tony_Room)}.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
Run Program: Guard(Tony_Room).  
Running.  
Running.

Timestamp: 09·29·12_07·45  
Trigger: Clint.  
Run Program: Shoo(Clint).  
Running.  
Running.  
“I hate you so much, Stark.”  
Running.  
Clint gone.  
Program_Shoo(Clint) successfully executed!

**

Timestamp: 10·04·12_23·35  
Trigger: Tony hasn't slept in 72 hours.  
Run Program: Sleep(Tony).  
Run SubRoutine: Blanket(Tony).  
Run SubRoutine: Locate(Steve).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Run SubRoutine: JARVISCommunication.  
Running.  
“Master Rogers is away on business for the next forty-eight hours.”  
SubRoutine_JARVISCommunication successfully executed!  
Cancel SubRoutine: Locate(Steve).  
Run SubRoutine: Carry(Tony_Bed).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Okay, seriously: what?”  
Running.  
Running.  
“I... I have no idea what you’re doing. Do you want to play?  
Running.  
Running.  
“Steve’s not coming back for a bit, okay buddy? Sorry. You can play with him in a couple days.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Oh.”  
Running.  
“You’re...”  
“It would appear DUM-E is attempting to carry you to bed.”  
“Oh. Dummy: leave. I’ll go to bed when I want. Since, you know: adult, over here.”  
Trigger: Command_Leave.  
Run Program: Leave.  
Running.  
Program_Leave successfully executed!  
Trigger: Tony hasn't slept in 72 hours.  
Run Program: Sleep(Tony).  
Run SubRoutine: Blanket(Tony).  
SubRoutine Carry(Tony_Bed) canceled.  
Running.  
Running.  
Run Program: Call(Steve).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Tony?”  
Trigger: Talk(Phone).  
Running.  
“Oh, Dummy. Hey, is something wrong?”  
Running.  
“Which is it: Not eating?”  
Running.  
“Not sleeping, then?”  
Running.  
“Get the phone to Tony.”  
Trigger: Command_Give(Phone_Tony).  
Running.  
Running.  
Trigger: Door locked.  
Run Program: Unlock.  
Running.  
Running.  
Run Program: JARVISCommunicate.  
Running.  
“I’ll patch it through.”  
Program_JARVISCommunicate successfully executed!  
Running.  
Running.  
Trigger: Door opened. Tony.  
“Give me the blanket.”  
SubRoutine_Blanket(Tony) successfully executed!  
“Now leave. I promised Steve. I’ll sleep. Leave.”  
Program_Sleep(Tony) successfully executed!

**

Timestamp: 10·12·12_21·45  
Trigger: TV robot pitcher. Speed: +120 mph.  
Run Program: Shame.  
Running.  
“Oh, oh, hey! Buddy! You know you’re way better than them, right?”  
Program_Shame successfully executed!  
“Hang on, look: there. No more robot pitchers. You’re better than them, anyway.”  
Trigger: …  
“You can do more than them.”  
Trigger: …  
“You can draw. And run. You’re a better jogging partner than Tony, you know.”  
“I’m sitting right here.”  
Trigger: …  
“And make sandwiches! And I think your toast is probably the best toast I’ve ever had.”  
Trigger: Praise.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
“There. Look! There’s Wall-E. Let’s watch that instead. Much better than those mean pitching robots.”  
Trigger: Wall-E.  
Run Program: Watch(Wall-E).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Don’t like those bigger, stronger models making the little ones feel inadequate huh Steve?”  
“Tony?”  
“Yeah handsome?”  
“Shut up and watch the movie.”  
Running.  
Running.

**

Timestamp: 10·20·12_19·05  
Trigger: Mess(Webs).  
Run Program: Clean(Webs).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Oops, sorry about that, little guy! Just popping in to check on Mom and Dad. You know where they went?”  
Program_Clean(Webs) canceled.  
Trigger: Question<“Just popping in to check on Mom and Dad. You know where they went?”>  
Concat{MomandDad^SteveandTony}.  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Well, lead the way. And I promise not to get web anywhere.”  
Trigger: Command_Lead(Peter_SteveandTony).  
Run Program: Lead(Peter_SteveandTony).  
Running.  
Running.  
“So, how’s life treating you, bit-bot. Good?”  
Trigger: Question<“So, how’s life treating you, bit-bot. Good?”>.  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“You know, if Dad’s ever too busy to do maintenance on you, have JARVIS gimme a call. You’re a good bit-bot, and I never mind getting to tinker with some of Tony’s electronics.”  
Trigger: Talk(Peter).  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
Run Program: Gratitude.  
Running.  
Program_Gratitude successfully executed!  
“Aw, it’s no trouble, really. Hey! Mom, Dad! Wait up! Check out what I found swinging around downtown!”  
“If you call us that-”  
Program_Lead(Peter_SteveandTony) successfully executed!  
“Don’t see why I’m the mom.”  
“You look hotter in an apron than me, that’s all.”  
Trigger: Mess(Web_Room23).  
Run Program: Clean(Web).  
Running.  
Running.

**

Timestamp: 10·31·12_21·00  
“Aw, Cap: You shouldn’t have!”  
“I’m not dressed up like you.”  
“I know. You should have. Whatever you think you’re wearing now... you shouldn’t have.”  
Trigger: Tony entered room.  
Run Program: GreetTony.  
Running.  
“It’s Pete Rose.”  
“You’re ridiculous.”  
“Who are you-”  
“Me.”  
“Of course.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Oh come on. You yell at me for being a narcissist, then you go and dress up Dummy after you.”  
“What?”  
Program_GreetTony failed.  
“The sign.”  
“‘Steve’. Tony, I didn’t write that.”  
“Oh, yeah, sure, like Dummy-”  
Trigger: …  
Trigger: Clean(Dust).  
Run Program: Dust.  
Running.  
“He dressed himself up like you.”  
“I didn’t know he could do that. That’s amazing!”  
Trigger: Praise.  
“Well, let’s not go throwing words like ‘amazing’ around. He wrote your name on a cardboard sign and stuck it on himself.”  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
“More importantly: why didn’t he dress himself up like me?”  
“The theme was to dress up like your hero.”  
“And.”  
“And.”  
“And so he should have dressed up like me. I made him!”  
Trigger: …  
“You’re so lucky you’re pretty.”  
“Hey, Dummy: I have a surprise for you!”  
Trigger: Talk(Steve).  
Run Program: Listen.  
Running.  
“Follow me to the kitchen.”  
Trigger: Command_Follow(Steve).  
Run Program: Follow(Steve).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Steve. Have I mentioned you’re really lucky you’re pretty? Because otherwise...”  
Trigger: Toaster(Eve).  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy executed successfully!  
Trigger: Toaster(Eve).  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy executed successfully!  
Trigger: Toaster(Eve).  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy executed successfully!  
“I think he likes it!”  
Trigger: Steve(Talking).  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Oh, look! He does!”  
“What did you do to my toaster?”  
Trigger: Toaster(Eve).  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy executed successfully!  
“I dressed it up like Eve. From Wall-E. So Dummy could have a date.”  
“You are so lucky you’re pretty.”  
“Tony?”  
Trigger: Toaster(Eve).  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy executed successfully!  
“Huh?”  
Trigger: Toaster(Eve).  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy executed successfully!  
“Shut up.”

**

Timestamp: 11·05·12_21·00  
Trigger: Sad(Steve).  
Run Program: Repairs(Steve).  
Run SubRoutine: Locate(Tony).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
“What? What is it? Go away.”  
SubRoutine_Locate(Tony) successfully executed!  
Run SubRoutine: Guide(Tony_Steve).  
Running.  
“Go away.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Shit. Normally Steve deals with this. Where is he?”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Oh, is... Steve? Okay, okay, fine. But if it’s not Steve you’re leading me to, I’m supergluing your wheels still and launching you into the Mariana trench just to see how long it’ll take for the pressure to get to you.”  
Trigger: Threat.  
Run Program: Shame.  
Override_29: Program_Shame canceled.  
Run SubRoutine: Guide(Tony_Steve).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Steve? Dummy seems-”  
SubRoutine_Guide(Tony_Steve) successfully executed!  
“Hey.”  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Come on.”  
“Leave me alone.”  
“I’m just drawing you a bath. Come on.”  
“I’m not-”  
“I’ll leave you alone. Just get into the bath, okay? Indulge me.”  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Okay.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“People usually say ‘it’ll be okay’. But. It won’t.”  
“I know.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Do you want to talk about it? Tell me stories? I’m no Howling Commando, but I’ve got ears.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“No. I’m... Thank you, Tony. But no.”  
“Come on. Bath time.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“You okay, then? I mean, you’re not, but.”  
“I’m fine.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“You sure?”  
“Yeah.”  
Running.  
“Thank you, Tony. Really.”  
Running.  
“Hey, it was Dummy who told me in the first place.”  
“Well then thank you too, Dummy.”  
Trigger: Gratitude.  
Run Program: Happy  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
Steve smiling at Dummy.  
Program_Repairs(Steve) successfully executed!

**

Trigger: Clint and Coulson interacting in kitchen.  
Run Program: Shoo(Clint).  
Run Program: HahahaSuckItCoulson.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Fucking hell, leave us alone you little psycho! I’m trying to get some facetime, here.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Screw it, Phil, come on. Let’s go. Little mutt won’t leave us alone until I leave.”  
Running.  
Running.  
Program_Shoo(Clint) successfully executed!  
Running.  
Trigger: Clint following Coulson.  
Run Program: Shoo(Clint).  
Running.  
“Oh, what?! What is it... I left! I walked away! Why are you-”  
“It’s following me.”  
“What?”  
Running.  
“It appears Stark programmed it to standing near me as a minor annoyance. And I would guess he programmed it to make you leave whatever space it occupied. So long as you stand near me-”  
“Yeah, yeah, I get it. Hey! Stop it!”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Okay, fine, new plan: Split up and meet in your bedroom for some R&R?”  
“Yours is closer.”  
“I knew I liked the way you thought. So efficient. So hot- Ow! Okay!”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Okay, okay! Fifteen, Phil!”  
“Fifteen.”  
Clint left.  
Program_Shoo(Clint) successfully executed!  
Running.  
Running.  
“I’m replacing Stark’s coffee with decaf for the next week.”  
Running.  
Running.

 

**

Timestamp: 11·30·12_17·00  
Trigger: Dough on counter.  
Run Program: CutCookie.  
Running.  
Program_CutCookie successfully executed!  
Trigger: Dough on counter.  
Run Program: CutCookie.  
Running.  
Program_CutCookie successfully executed!  
Trigger: Dough on counter.  
Run Program: CutCookie.  
Running.  
Program_CutCookie successfully executed!  
Trigger: Dough on counter.  
Run Program: CutCookie.  
Running.  
Program_CutCookie successfully executed!  
Trigger: Dough on counter.  
Run Program: CutCookie.  
“Good job! Okay, now I’ll put all the cookies onto the pan, and put them in the oven for nine minutes or so. Not very long.”  
Trigger: …  
Trigger: Fire.  
Run Program: FireExtinguisher.  
Running.  
“No! Dum- Oh. Rats.”  
Program_FireExtinguisher successfully executed!  
“Okay, uh... Override: Do not extinguish the oven. It is not a threat.”  
Override code_14: NegFireExtinguisher(Oven).  
Trigger: Talk(Steve).  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Okay. Good. Let’s try this again. Here, I’ll roll out the dough for you...”

**  
Timestamp: 12·04·12_16·05  
Trigger: Billy Kaplan, Teddy Altman, Eli Bradley, Cassie Lang, Kate Bishop, Tommy Shepherd, and Vision enter.  
Run Program: Greet(Billy, Teddy, Eli, Cassie, Kate, Tommy, Vision).  
Running.  
“Whoa, cool, what’s that? Like something out of-”  
“You’re about to saying something only a nerd would say. Stop.”  
“Shut up, Tommy.”  
“It’s true. You ever want big green boyfriend to fuck you? Stop saying such nerd stuff!”  
“Shut up, Tommy!”  
“I like it when you’re nerdy.”  
“Yeah?”  
“Yeah.”  
“Ugk, okay, if we’re done having a love-in, maybe we could pay attention to Captain America? Sorry, Captain.”  
“Eli, you realize you sound older than Cap when you say stuff like ‘love-in’. Oh, sorry, Cap.”  
“That’s alright Kate. And, to answer your question, Billy: this is Dummy. He’s one of Tony’s.”  
“Looks like a hunk of junk to me.”  
“Manners, Tommy. He’s trying to say hello.”  
Running.  
Program_Greet(Billy, Teddy, Eli, Cassie, Kate, Tommy, Vision) successfully executed!  
“He is a lovely machine.”  
Trigger: Praise(Vision).  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
“Should I be jealous?”  
“Of course not, Cassie.”  
“Alright, if you youngsters cn head this way, I’ll show you what the team was talking about last time.”

**

Timestamp: 12·15·12_17·35  
Trigger: Fire!  
Run Program: FireExtinguish.  
Running.  
Program_FireExtinguish successfully executed!  
Trigger: Wolverine in room.  
Run Program: GreetWolverine.  
Runnning.  
Running.  
“You’re gonna get it now, bub.  
Trigger: Threat(Wolverine{Knives}_Dummy)  
Run Program: Run.  
Running.  
“Logan!”  
Trigger: Steve in room.  
Run Program: Greet Steve.  
Running.  
Received: Pat.  
Program_Greet Steve successfully executed!  
“Your little pet just doused me and my cigar with flame-retardant fluff.”  
“I gathered as much.”  
Trigger: Angry(Wolverine).  
Run Program: Shoo(Wolverine).  
Running.  
Running.  
“Rogers...”  
“Maybe just... why don’t you go grab a beer and I’ll get Dummy to stay out of your way, okay?”  
“Feh.”  
Progarm_Shoo(Wolverine) successfully executed!  
Trigger: Ash.  
Run Program: Clean(Ash).  
Running.  
“Dummy, I...”  
Program_Clean(Ash) successfully executed!  
“Oh. Aw. Uh... Dummy, why don’t you go find Tony? And run avoidance when you run into Logan in the future, okay?”  
Trigger: {Command_Find(Tony); Command_AddProgram}.  
Run Program: Find(Tony).  
Running  
Add Program: Trigger[Wolverine]\\\Run(Leave).  
Program successfully added!

**

Timestamp: 12·25·12_20·30  
“I don’t think Jane’s allergic...”  
“Indeed not, shield-brother Steven! She enjoys the Migardian canines muchly!”  
Trigger: Mess(Fur).  
Run Program: Clean(Fur).  
Running.  
“Well, you’ve got a canine surprise waiting for her when she gets back from her parents.”  
“She will be most pleased!”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Observe his vigour! Truly he will grow to be the fiercest of all Migardian canines!”  
“Yeah, well. He should. Leonberger means “lion”, and they’re one of the biggest breeds out there. But you’re cleaning up after him, got it? I don’t need to step in dog shit stepping out of my bedroom in the morning.”  
Running.  
“It will never be a concern, brother Tony! Look! Look at him romp! I can already see the fierce warrior soul buried within!”  
Trigger: Threat(Dog{Teeth}_Dummy).  
Program_Clean(Fur) canceled.  
Run Program: Move.  
Running.  
Running.  
“Hey, hey! Thor!”  
Run SubRoutine: Shake.  
Running.  
“Ah, my apologies, brother Steven. It would appear my Migardian canine is already trying to cut his warrior’s teeth on your robot companion. I will help!”  
Running.  
Warning: Electrostatic increase.  
Run Program: Move.  
Running.  
“Thor! No! Just... hang on, I’ll get it. Remember how sick you make Dummy?”  
“‘Tis a great sadness that I cannot play with your tiny robot companion. But, now I have a warrior’s dog! It is all the balance of Yggdrasil.”  
Program_Move successfully executed!  
“Steve? Can you get fluff ball off Dummy? He’s slobbering over the wires.”  
Running  
“Why can’t you?”  
SubRoutine_Shake successfully executed!  
“Yeah, no. Drool, hair: No thanks.”  
Program_Move successfully executed!  
Run Program: Clean(Fur).  
Running.

Timestamp: 12·25·12_21·30  
“Come on, Steve. Let’s go...”  
“Hang on, there’s still Dummy’s presents to open.”  
“Huh?”  
Trigger: Present(Dummy).  
Run Program: Open(Present).  
“He gets a present?”  
Running.  
Program_Open(Present) successfully executed!  
“This one’s from me, Dummy.”  
Trigger: Wall-E glitter stickers.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed.  
Run Program: Gratitude.  
Running.  
“Aw, it’s no big deal, Dummy. Here, do you want me to help put some on?”  
Program_Gratitude successfully executed!  
Trigger: Question<“Here, do you want me to help put some on?”>.  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
“Are you putting glitter stickers on my robot?”  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“No, seriously: you’re putting glitter stickers on my-”  
“Look! You look so handsome.”  
Trigger: Wall-E glitter stickers.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
“Oh, and here’s one more present from you! Looks like it’s from Tony.”  
“...”  
“I know it’s from Pepper, Tony. I know all your gifts are from Pepper. You don’t have to point it out.”  
Trigger: Present(Dummy).  
Run Program: Open(Present).  
“Hey, I got... not the costume modifications and utilities! I got you-”  
“I know. And they were perfect. Come here so I can thank you.”  
Running.  
Program_Open(Present) successfully executed!  
Trigger: WD-40.  
Run Program: Happy.  
Running.  
Program_Happy successfully executed!  
Run Program: Gratitude.  
Running.  
Program Gratitude successfully executed!  
“Look at the Migardian pup do battle against the toy made of rope! He is honing skills that would make any warrior proud! Tony! Steven! Will you retire shortly for much festive copulation?”  
Trigger: Mess(Paper).  
Run Program: Clean(Paper).  
Running.  
“Aw, Thor, look: you made him turn red!”  
“Shut up, Tony.”  
“Look at his red cheeks.”  
“That’s it!”  
Trigger: Impact(Tony^Steve).  
Run Program: Move.  
Running.  
“You really think you’re going to win against me without the armor?”  
“Worth a shot.”  
Program_Move successfully executed!  
“Okay, yeah. Let’s ‘retire’. I think I need you to pin me to the ground in an entirely different sense in about three seconds from now. Come on.”  
“Not about to argue that.”  
“Farewell, shield brothers! I will enjoy the pleasures of my new warrior companion.”  
Trigger: Steve^Tony elevated heart rates. Moving to bedroom.  
Run Program: Guard(Door).  
Running.  
Running.

**

Timestamp: 12·31·12_22·30  
Trigger: {Mess(Dust, Ceiling, Debris, Grease, Blood, Decorations, Unidentified...)}  
Trigger: Loki(Attacking).  
Trigger: Threat(Loki_Tony, Steve, Tony, Thor, Natasha, Clint, Br-).  
Concat{Bruce^Hulk}.  
Trigger: Threat(Loki_Tony, Steve, Tony, Thor, Natasha, Clint).  
Run Program: Importance(Descending).  
Running.  
Program_Importance(Descending) successfully executed!  
Trigger: Loki(Attacking).  
Run Program: Shoo(Loki).  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.  
“What are you?”  
Running.  
Running.  
“You are a Migardian kill-bot? One of that Stark’s inventions?”  
Running.  
Running.  
“You are entirely ineffective, you realize that.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“You seem like the type my brother would like. A warrior’s stupidity.”  
Trigger: Question<“You seem like the type my brother would like.”>.  
Run Program: Answer(Neg).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Neg) successfully executed!  
“No? My foolhardy brother has no interest in you?”  
Trigger: Question<“No? My foolhardy brother has no interest in you?”>.  
Run Program: Answer(Neg).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Neg) successfully executed!  
“Ah. Interesting.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“It is because you are small isn’t it? Weak. My brother never understood that true strength didn’t necessarily lie in sinew or muscle.”  
Trigger: Talk(Loki).  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
Running.  
Running.  
“You’re trying to get me to leave, aren’t you?”  
Trigger: Question<“You’re trying to get me to leave, aren’t you?”>.  
Run Program: Answer(Pos).  
Running.  
Program_Answer(Pos) successfully executed!  
“Little robot, I will do as you ask and leave. Until we meet again.”  
Running.  
Program_Shoo(Loki) successfully executed!  
Run Program: Protect(Tony_UI).  
Running.  
“Agh! What the hell is that?!”  
“How the hell should I know, Barton? Shoot it.”  
“One of these days, ‘Tash, something will catch you by surprise. And I will laugh.”  
“I hardly understand why an Asgardian monster hologram appearing in the middle of a battle against Loki would surprise you.”  
“... It’s a hologram. Okay! Give me something I can shoot.”  
Running.  
Running.  
Running.

Timestamp: 01·01·13_00·30  
Run Program: Clean(Debris).  
Running.  
Running.  
“I guess this isn’t normally how you spend your New Year, is it, Tony?”  
“Eh, it’s alright. I’m sore, battered, got a pounding headache, and the house is half destroyed. Honestly: pretty close to most New Years, in my book.”  
“We didn’t get to kiss at midnight.”  
“Oh, so that’s why you came over, huh? Only after me for my body.”  
Running.  
Running.  
“Tony.”  
“Yeah yeah: Shut up and kiss you, right?”  
"Right."  
Running.  
Running.  
“Not to ruin the mood, but I’m starving.”  
Trigger: Hungry(Tony).  
“You’re remembering to eat? Without me reminding you?”  
“Look at that, it’s a New Years miracle!”  
Run Program: Feed(Tony).  
Trigger: No food.  
Run Program: Make(Toast).  
Running.  
“Dummy! Where are you going! My house is still destroyed!”  
“Let him go, Tony. I’m sure he’s just looking for a dustpan, or something.”  
Running.  
“Well. I guess he couldn’t make things more a mess if he tried at the moment.”  
Running.  
Running.  
Kitchen on fire.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Run Program: DUM-E](https://archiveofourown.org/works/511902) by [kalakirya](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kalakirya/pseuds/kalakirya)
  * [Cover for "Run Program: DUM-E by Amuly"](https://archiveofourown.org/works/6194410) by [PeggyStarkk (LupusUlulans)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LupusUlulans/pseuds/PeggyStarkk)




End file.
